I know this isn't a beauty post. But it's something that today, I felt I wanted to post and get out into words. So if you are expecting a beauty post, then please just exit the page now, or pass this post and scroll down. (This is a fairly long post, so I am sorry)
2 years ago today, at 04:00am I lost my father. We had just had a Christmas and a New Year that we had spent together, even though not under the best circumstances. My father had taken ill on Christmas eve and was taken into hospital. He had been having horrific pains in his chest that were making him physically sick. He was then sent home later that evening having been told that he was just suffering from constipation, we argued that it wasn't that, given his pain in his chest, but still they wouldn't do anything. We tried our best to ease his pain as much as possible but nothing was making it any better. Christmas day arrived and where Dad would have been the first to be up and starting to cook and prepare our main meal, he stayed in bed. He wasn't able to come down stairs and unwrap his presents, nor be with us whilst we opened ours. This was how it stayed up until New Years Eve, my father in bed, not able to move from the pain. That afternoon the pain has worsened, he couldn't take another minute of it. Mum called another ambulance and he was taken in and this time given X-rays on his chest.
Not long after, was then rushed to another hospital in London where he was to be told that he would need to have an operation to remove an Aneurism. We had been down this path before. In 1999 he was diagnosed with a swollen blood vessel in his stomach which had grown to the size of a small baby, crushing both of his Kidneys, one completely. They managed to remove this and slowly help repair and stablise the remaining Kidney. But then a Major setback happened in 2008 when he had a stroke whilst at home with us. We had been told that this new Aneurism in his chest was close to bursting, and if it did, would kill him, they needed to operate immediately, but there was little chance he would make it out. My mum was sent home form the hospital to rest and await a phone call on the results of the operation. Me and my brothers had stayed at home, something I much regret, but at the time I was writing up my final assessment for my Teacher Training (PGCE). We were then called at 4 in the morning to be informed that he had passed away as soon as his was given the anesthetic. His body just couldn't cope.
From that moment on my life changed. I had no idea how I was going to cope having just lost the person who helped start my life, who was there every day, helped me when I was down or ill. I was going to have to be a rock to both my Mother and and brothers. My Dad had left behind huge debts that my mum had no way of paying back as well as having no money for the funeral, I was in the middle of my PGCE I had no idea where my life was going to go from here.
For the first few weeks, before the cremation, is a blur. I didn't have much time to grieve or think about anything because I was so busy with arrangements, sorting out things with the banks, having family round as well as trying to keep everything going at home.
After the funeral it hit me. I had lost my father and he was never coming back. I needed to try and get myself together. Three things have helped me carry on with life, and not crumble up in my bed and never come out, though that was how it was for the first month. Part of me was glad that I was doing my PGCE whilst it happened. It gave me something to go back to, to sink my teeth into and to focus on. It was something that I was never going to give up. I had wanted to be a Teacher all my life. That as well as the people that I had met whilst doing it were so supportive and helpful. I will be forever grateful. The second thing was my family, friends and my boyfriend. My family helped with arranging the funeral, as well as partly paying for some of it. My Grandparents were over every day to help with things around the house and to keep my mum occupied whilst I did things I needed to do or took my brothers out whilst me and mum had some time to let everything out. My boyfriend, who at the time I had only been with for 10 months stayed with me every night and helped in every-way possible. I have no idea how I would have gotten through it all without him. I was my mum's rock but he was mine. The third thing was my thoughts. Me. When was 16 I had experienced first hand an ex-boyfriend be diagnosed with cancer. I watch as it tore him apart and no matter how much me and his family/friends helped and supported him, he became someone completely different. It changed his outlook on life and dragged him to a low horrible place that I never want to be. His thought processes changed. Everything was negative. I knew that no matter what had happened and no matter how much I miss my Dad I must never become like that. To drown in my own sorrow and forget all the positive and wonderful things about my life. So I changed my attitude and thought process but made it a positive one.
With everything that has happened, some of it touched on and some not mentioned, I am a stronger person and a happier one. Though I do have that hole in my heart and soul that will never be replaced and I will never forget that. There are some days I have where I don't get out of bed and all I can think of is my father and how much I miss him. I allow my self those days. As long as they are only on the odd occasion and happen a day at a time. I need to allow my self to grieve. So matter how far in the past it is. I will never move on, but I am not stuck in the past. I am happy with where I am now. I have since moved in with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years, we have a beautiful cat, I have started to learn the Cello, I have a fantastic job at a lovely school and I have my health.
So no matter what happens in your life, look forward. I hate the saying YOLO (You Only Live Once) but there is such a big element of truth in it. Why spend all your time fretting about small silly things or dealing with out people in your life that are negative and drag you down? You are only here once, your life is short and you should live it the way you want. If you have a day where you are unhappy don't just try and paint on a smile, let it out. Tell someone about it. Let your stresses out but don't let them consume you.
Let 2013 be YOUR year. Don't let anyone drag you down or make you feel low about yourself. Visit your family and friends and stay in touch with them. Always tell them how much you love them. Take every day as it is and don't panic about the future.
And most importantly? Treat yourself once in a while.